i've recently been working on a minor bugfix for Zelda III for SNES. the Readme borrowed some sentences from Section 3 of my Monster/Attack Stats Guide (available here
or on gamefaqs). in the process of adapting those sentences, i decided that they could be written better.
here's a copy+paste of the original:http://assassin17.home.comcast.net/z3-opine/section3-1.txt
and here's my revision so far:http://assassin17.home.comcast.net/z3-opine/section3-2.txt
(note that the large "There are several exceptions paragraph" is unchanged after the 1st sentence, so you don't need to bother reading it all twice.)
The reasons for my revision:
1) "an enemy can drop an item from one of the seven prize packs below" seemed kinda ambiguous, almost suggesting that a given enemy can drop from any
of the 7 prize packs. of course in reality, every enemy has one fixed prize pack (or nothing) assigned to it.
2) talking about enemies dropping from "prize packs" before i even explained the structure of a prize pack seemed kinda backward. prize packs are a key concept, yet their explanation was delayed til the 3rd paragraph.
3) the second sentence "Even when the enemy ..." strikes me as a tack-on to the first sentence, like an admission that the first sentence was missing information.
4) it didn't specify exactly what a prize pack's counter does, though a monkey could probably figure that out from context (8 slots + a 1 through 8 index = dur).
Doubts on my revision:
1) it's slightly longer.
2) it seems a bit wooden.
3) explaining the whole structure of prize packs before even mentioning that enemies have prize packs seems kind of dry and inaccessible. yes, i realize this is an exact inversion of my #2 reason above. :P
4) when the second paragraph refers to "the last two sentences", that comes across as stiff/awkward. maybe i should put a paragraph break before those two sentences?
which version do you prefer? is something in between better? any comments and suggestions you have would be much appreciated. the prize packs themselves are listed in my complete guide, if seeing them helps with your analysis.